Author: Jayne A. Major, Ph.D.
Tell the Truth
Children need to know the basic facts of life, but they don’t
necessarily need to know all of the facts immediately. It is
important to use discretion in what children are exposed to and
told. Children don’t need to know the whole truth about anything
until they are of an age when they are able to understand the
complexity of the situation. Many subjects are of the nature
that parents can continue to build on with additional
information. It is like putting knowledge into an intellectual
piggy bank. The knowledge keeps building and expanding.
For example, the big one that parents know that they must
introduce to their young children to is where babies come from.
At age five, children certainly don’t need all of the details,
but it is a good idea to introduce the subject of reproduction.
Animals can provide logical opportunities. Having pets like
dogs, cats and hamsters can help children become accustomed to
reproduction; indeed, pets will introduce them to the whole life
cycle. Later they can transfer this knowledge to people.
Another example is to be careful what children are told and
overhear when parents divorce; children need to know that both
of their parents love them and that they will be taken care of.
They shouldn’t be exposed to a lot of information about adult
problems. When parents are very upset, they can lose track of
normal boundaries. Their “truth” is instead opinions and
moralistic judgments coming from a victim mentality that is not
appropriate for children to hear.
If you start early enough, your children will talk about
sensitive subjects naturally. If you have demonstrated that you
love them unconditionally, meaning that if they bring up
something sensitive you won’t get blown away, they'll feel safer
asking you questions. Make sure that you have given them
permission to ask for information, regardless of how sensitive
it is. They will be less likely to be ignorant when it comes
time to make important decisions. By the way, tell them over and
over, that if they ever want to know about something, don’t be
afraid to ask. Don’t just say it one time.
Good Values Are As Important As Good Information
It isn’t enough to give children information; they also need
good values about the importance of using self-control and
respecting for others. They need to know what your values are
while theirs are in the formation stage. Do you believe that
couples should have babies only when they're married and
financially able to raise children? Or, are teenage pregnancies
acceptable to you? When is it a good time to become sexually
active? What is bullying? What is wrong with it? What should
your child do if someone is maltreating them? Your children need
to know your point-of-view. As they grow up, they'll decide for
themselves, regardless of what you think, but they'll have your
values to fall back on until they're clear about their own. Of
course, it is a good idea to not expose them prematurely to
people with values that are not in your child’s best interest.
Media, such as news or entertainment, that children are exposed
to can desensitize children to grossly inappropriate treatment
of others. It is important to explain when children see
situations where a person is the recipient of violence or other
abusive treatment suffers, that what they saw is not the right
way to treat others.
Prepare for Transitions
Sometimes there are big changes in families that children need
to be prepared for. Unanticipated transitions can be terrifying
to children. Examples of the kinds of transitions that children
need to be well prepared for are a move to new home or school,
divorce, a new sibling, a hospital stay or the pending death of
a friend or relative. When possible, involve the child in making
plans for the change. This builds on their social/love needs as
well as their self-esteem. We all want to feel in charge of our
lives no matter how old we are.
If the change is unpredictable and sudden, children need to have
special attention (in such situations as a car accident, a
disaster such as a house burning down, a death, or a calamity of
nature like a hurricane, an earthquake or a tornado). They need
a clear explanation of what happened that is appropriate for
their age, and to be reassured that they are safe and given
words of encouragement about how things will get better again.
It is a good idea to return to normal routines as soon as
possible, such as mealtime, playtime and bedtime. There will be
fewer traumas if parents heed this advice. Parents need to
continue to address their child’s continuing fears and
heightened need to feel safe and secure. Unfortunately, in
really difficult times there is a tendency for fearful adults to
go into their own child state and not pay sufficient attention
to the needs of children.
Aware parents will notice predictable signs of stress like shock
and confusion, fear, anxiety and withdrawal. These may take the
form of sleep disturbances, heightened separation anxiety,
regression to an earlier stage, anger or acting out resentments.
During this time it is good to have children express their
feelings verbally, or during play activities with dolls, puppets
or drawing. It is important that they get their feelings out in
healthy ways, not repress them so that they are sabotaged
psychologically in the future.
If the stress reaction does not go away in a timely manner, it
is a good investment to take children to a child psychologist
that has the expertise in how to help them resolve the issue. It
is no different than taking children to a physician when
symptoms of ill health are prevalent. The old adage of it’s
better to be safe than sorry makes a lot of sense here.
Be Available
The second guideline is to make yourself available to talk about
sensitive subjects as they arise. Far too many parents are
working too hard, are too stressed or too busy with their own
life to make themselves available to talk to their children when
the need arises. "Why do people have to die?" "Will I die?"
"Where do pets go when they die?" "What does she mean when she
says, 'I'm a lesbian?'" "What is an abortion?" "Why are people
so uptight about whether abortions should be legal?" "What is
the Ku Klux Klan?" "Why is there war?" "Why can't people agree
and not fight or kill each other?" "When is using drugs abuse?"
"Is Uncle John an alcoholic?" "Why are Aunt Tilly's children in
foster care?" "Why are there homeless people?" "Where do
homeless people live if they don't have a home?" "What's wrong
with that man who stares off into space and talks to himself?"
These are a few of the questions that children may think of as
they observe their world. However, there are some subjects
children won't think of, so sometimes it’s up to you to bring up
the subject that they should know about. If you aren't sure how
to answer these questions, start preparing. What you say will
have a lasting impact, and it may keep your child safe.
Bring up the Subject If Your Child Doesn't
What is pedophilia? Incest? Rape? When is it okay for someone
else to touch your private parts – and how and for what purpose?
A physician? A stranger, neighbor or relative? Tell children
that pedophiles are very smooth talkers; they're creative.
They're rarely the weird-looking guy who pulls up by the curb
and asks, "Do you want to go for a ride?" They can be found
where children hang out. They may be coaches, teachers or
members of the clergy – even members of your family, which is a
really hard one for parents to face, but must be talked about in
order to make sure that your children are safe. Pedophiles most
often look perfectly reputable. They're charming; and they love
children. They may be hard-working, caring and giving. They are
like the rest of us, except that they're sexually aroused by
children and may act on their impulses.
How are you going to protect your children from a pedophile? It
is not enough to tell children not to talk to strangers or never
to get into strangers' cars. A “friend” or a family member in
the overwhelming majority of child molestation cases is someone
that the child already knows. Until the pedophile behaves
inappropriately, no one suspects any danger. It's better to warn
and to continuously explain, "No one has a right to touch your
private parts unless you say so. Your body belongs to you."
Help children be self-determined about their bodies. Now, there
are exceptions, of course, for example, a doctor or a parent.
But what if even these people aren't behaving responsibly? Teach
your child to tell a trusted grown-up and keep no secrets about
uncomfortable touching. “If someone, anyone, touches you and it
doesn't feel right to you, tell me or tell someone else you
trust."
Another subject to bring up with your child is what to do in an
emergency, such as a fire in the house or if someone passes out.
They can call 911 or your local emergency hotline. Explain that
the police help people who are in danger, and then show them how
to call the police or even the fire department.
Keep What You Say Appropriate to the Age of Your Child
Young children can only absorb a small amount of information at
a time, and some information needs to be repeated several times.
Knowledge is expansive; you'll continue to add to what they've
already learned. What you say to a boy-crazy 14-year-old girl
about AIDS is very different from what you say to a
five-year-old child hearing the term for the first time. Don't
offer more information than a child can absorb.
As children develop, you will need to expand their knowledge on
numerous sensitive subjects. By introducing sensitive subjects
early, it won’t feel so awkward later to add to the child’s
information than if you try to talk about it with no
introduction.
We are fortunate now to have a large body of children’s
literature available to parents where an author has researched
the best way to explain sensitive subjects to children. The
drawings to illustrate the subject have been well thought out
and presented. If you want to know more about children’s
literature on a particular subject for a certain age range, of
course, look on the internet. But a frequently unused expert
that you can rely on is the librarian at your local library.
They know how to research and find just about anything.
Look for Teachable Moments
A teachable moment is when a child is willing to receive
information, such as when there is a situation that needs more
explaining. An example of this would be when there is news that
several people are talking about such as a new development in
the family or the neighborhood. When a child asks for
information, it's generally a good time to discuss a sensitive
subject. There is an endless array of news items about
celebrities that your child will be exposed to that will open
the door for you to talk about sensitive subjects. Of course,
if a child asks where babies come from while you are in an
awkward social situation, like having the boss over for dinner
or at a wedding, simply set a time to discuss the subject when
it is more private. If the child asks at a time that you are
unable to adequately respond, say that we will talk about it
later, and then don’t forget to do it. Two people have to be
ready to communicate -- not just one. This also applies to times
when you are totally unprepared to answer intelligently. Say,
let me think about this, I’ll get back to you.
The best techniques to use in talking about sensitive subjects
is to use receptive listening when your children express their
views and feelings, and use “I-statements” when you express your
own.
Dr. Jayne A. Major is an award-winning family education expert
and nationally known author. She has trained more than 19,000
Los Angeles parents in the last 25 years in psychologically
sound techniques that promote happy, cooperative and
self-disciplined children. Her Ph.D. from U.C.L.A. is in
Philosophy of Education.
About the author:
Jayne A. Major, Ph. D. is the author of Breakthrough Parenting:
Moving Your Family from Struggle to Cooperation which she has
taught for the last 25 years. Please visit
http://BreakthroughParentingOnline.com for more parenting
resources including online parenting classes and community.
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